But if you’re like most people, you may think about professional networking more like this …

I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing or look stupid in front of the people I want to impress. I get so self-conscious my hands sweat, my stomach hurts, and my face turns red.

Or this …

Why would anyone want to meet me? I have nothing to contribute to them, I’m just there to sell myself. And having an ulterior motive for meeting people makes me feel yucky.

Or maybe this …

People tell me I come across as confident and outgoing, but it feels like a mask. I want them to see the real me.

I want you to know that you have a lot of company. In fact, I’ve started to think that online social networks are popular because most people get the heebie-jeebies about “real life” networking. It’s so much easier to hide behind your computer than it is to take yourself out into the world and meet people face-to-face.

What’s underneath all this anxiety?

It’s simple: We get twisted up around networking because we think of it as a performance, with all the pressure that brings. We push ourselves to be outgoing. We strive to impress. We try to get people to like us. So we worry about making mistakes, saying the wrong thing, or looking like a fool. And we look for techniques, tricks, scripts … anything we can use to make the process more predictable and less painful.

In the end, we build a tight, uncomfortable space with no room for our true selves — our souls — to show up. (No wonder so many of us avoid the whole ordeal!)

It doesn’t have to be that way.

The simple truth is that genuine connection with others is our natural state. There’s nothing we humans enjoy more than being connected to each other — it’s how we’re built.

Think about that for a moment. Don’t you long to be with other people in a genuine way? Is it really possible that you’re the only person who feels that desire? Of course not. Other people want to be connected to you as well … especially if you show up as you.

The cure is simple

Instead of pushing yourself to perform, learn to see networking as a gentle process of listening and receiving. It’s not about your performance or what you’re pushing out toward other people. It’s first and foremost about what you’re allowing in.

Well, that may sound odd (or even “woo-woo”). After all, listening is not a highly valued skill in our culture. And “receiving” … what in the world does that mean?

Let’s come at this experientially (that’s really the only way to get it). Since I’m writing to you instead of working with you face-to-face, we’ll make it a thought experiment …

Imagine yourself on your way to an event where you know you’ll be meeting a lot of new people. Instead of getting there at the last minute and rushing inside, you arrive 15 minutes early so you can take a walk in the neighborhood. As you walk, focus on receiving everything around you. Feel your feet rooted into the center of the Earth. Drink in the sky, feel the breeze, pause to soak up the beauty of a flower. Breathe full, deep breaths. Fill yourself with the beauty and abundance of the world.

As you return to the event and enter the room, bring the receptivity you just practiced with you. Take your time arriving. It’s perfectly OK, if a bit unusual, to stand quietly for a few minutes. Most of us do that because we’re nervous, but today you’re doing it with purpose.

Feel your feet beneath you. Look around the room and see each distinct individual, not a faceless crowd. Rest your eyes on one person’s face. Take a deep breath and receive their presence for a few moments, just as you received the sky, the breeze, the flowers. Then move on to another individual face, and another, receiving from each a few seconds. Enjoy and appreciate each person for who they are, exactly as they are.

You may well find that someone approaches you while you’re doing this. (Receptivity is magnetic.) Or you may find that once you’ve filled yourself with the welcoming energy that’s available in the room, you find yourself moved to approach someone. As you talk with the person, your only job is to receive their presence. Listen to them with no more agenda than you had with the flower — no expecting, no trying, no pushing. Even when you speak, you continue to listen and receive.

How was that to imagine?

Do you see how this way of thinking could change how you feel about being in the room, the ease with which you engage people, and the quality of your conversations and relationships? Is it something you might want to try, even just once as an experiment?

This approach is simple and effective, but it’s not always easy. After all, it goes against so much of what we’ve been conditioned to believe about “performing” in public, especially in professional situations. So if you do try it on for size, be as gentle with yourself as you seek to be with others.

And let me know what you discover, would you? We’re all on this path together … and I’m always learning.

Related posts:

1. 5 Steps to Expand Your Network
2. The Simple Way to Strengthen Your Listening Skills
3. Biznik: The Social Network for Independent Business People

These days most people seem to answer that question by saying “join LinkedIn” or some other social network. And those can be useful, for sure. (I wrote about my new love affair with Biznik just the other day.)

But here’s another (and often quicker) way to approach this — by building on the personal connections you already have and working outward from there.

1. Take inventory of your current network.

You already have a circle of people who know, like, and trust you. It may be large or small, well-nourished or neglected, but it does exist. So start by simply making a list of everyone you can think of who thinks well of you.

Include your clients and customers, if you have a business. Colleagues and former colleagues, if you’ve been employed. People you’ve met through social media. Family members, neighbors, college friends and professors. Folks who have served with you on boards or in volunteer work. And so on. Brainstorm as many people as you can, without analyzing or evaluating them.

2. Identify the Connectors.

If you’ve read Malcolm Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point, you know that Connectors are “people who link us up with the world … who introduce us to our social circles.” They’re the folks who are always saying things like “you should talk to Jane about that” and “have you heard about that new group” and “let me introduce you to Mark.”

These are the people who will help you expand your network most rapidly — and will be delighted to do it. In fact, they’d like nothing more than for you to ask them for introductions and ideas.

So go through your list and identify the Connectors. If you’re wondering whether someone is a Connector, just imagine a conversation with them. Would they be pointing you toward people you should know and groups you should join? Those are the Connectors.

It’s fine if you only find a few, or even one. Pull them out onto a separate list so you can focus on them. (By the way, the other people on your brainstorm list are important, too. We’re looking at the Connectors because the point of this exercise is to expand your network.)

3. Make contact.

Next you’ll want to get in touch with the Connectors on your list. Maybe this will be easy because you’ve been in contact with them recently, but for some you might find yourself “getting back in touch” through a phone call, email, or social media.

You might also consider sending a personal letter or handwritten card. Connectors tend to have full lives with a lot going on — and these days postal mail is often the least cluttered channel of communication. (I use the mail as much as I can.)

4. Set up a conversation, preferably face-to-face.

It could be as simple as a cup of coffee, but personal contact is the very best way to connect. If the person lives at a distance, then a phone conversation will do the job — just do your best to set it up so the person can give you their undivided attention.

It’s best to be upfront and explain that you want their help in expanding your network. Remember: Connectors will be more than happy to help you with that, it’s who they are and what they love to do.

When you have your conversation, be ready to tell the person about what you’re up to professionally and what you’ve been doing since your last contact.

Some people call this an “elevator speech” — what you’d tell someone in the brief span of an elevator ride. I suggest you think of less as a “speech” and more as filling in a friend on some news. Still, a bit of thought ahead of time is a good idea, especially if your Connector friend may have no idea what you’re doing these days. The more clearly you can convey what you’re up to and where you’re headed, the more likely it is that your friend will be able to provide useful ideas and introductions.

Ask your Connector about individuals you should know and groups that would be useful to join. Take notes. Ask what the best way is to reach out to each individual. Get as much contact information as possible. (Connectors tend to have their address books right at their fingertips.)

Your friend will likely offer to contact people on your behalf, which is a great way to get the attention of an influential person. And if they don’t offer, ask them. Remember, if they’re a Connector, they want to help you in this way — you’re not imposing!

5. Follow up.

This is where the magic happens.

First, write your Connector friend a warm thank-you note and let them know your follow-up plans. (You did get their mailing address, right?)

Next, follow up on any individual introductions that were offered, using the Connector’s advice about how to approach those folks. Again, the aim is a face-to-face conversation if at all possible.

Finally, go through the list of groups that you’ve gathered. Do a bit of research — look at their web sites, read their publications, maybe attend one of their events. Evaluate how well each one fits with who you are and what you’re up to. Don’t try to join them all, select two or three, maybe four at the very most. The idea is to get actively involved and start building real relationships, so you’ll want to focus your energy.

Remember to nurture your expanding network

Whatever you’re up to in the world, you’re in the business of developing and strengthening relationships. So it’s a good idea to always be working to expand your network.

It’s just as important to nurture those relationships. (Having 1,000 “names” — or 10,000 — is useless if you’re never in touch with them!) We’ll get into more how-to on that in future articles, but a good first step is to establish a contact management system (and then use it).

Related posts:

1. How a Contact Management System Nurtures Your Network
2. Biznik: The Social Network for Independent Business People
3. The #1 Mistake on LinkedIn (And What to Do Instead)

Enter Biznik, a social network unlike any other — made just for us. Here’s what they say …

It sucks growing a business alone. No one cares. But we do. Biznik is an award-winning community of entrepreneurs and small businesses dedicated to helping each other succeed.

If you’re having any of these problems, and want to do something about it, Biznik is for you:

• You love running your business, but hate feeling isolated.
• You need more clients and customers.
• You need to raise your visibility and credibility.
• You do most things well in your business, but not everything.
• You don’t have enough opportunities to meet colleagues and potential partners.
• Your business isn’t growing fast enough.
• You have a hard time keeping up with trends that affect your business.
• You aren’t sure how to use social media to promote your business.
• You’re thinking about starting a business, but aren’t sure where to start.

Anything on that list ring a bell for you, as it did for me?

I’ve just started using Biznik, but I’m already loving it — and plan on putting a good bit of attention to growing my network there. Here are my top seven reasons why:

1. It’s a friendly, welcoming community, with a great feeling of collaboration and connection in the air.
2. Unlike LinkedIn, Biznik is for people who are building businesses, not looking for jobs. So you’ll more easily find like-minded people.
3. In many cities, there are live events — networking events and member-hosted workshops and seminars. Get out of your office and meet people! I’ve already put a few events on my calendar.
4. You can host your own events (live or online) and publicize them right on Biznik. (I have a live event in the works for mid-May. If you’re anywhere near the Seattle area, stay tuned for details by signing up for my weekly update.)
5. You can publish articles on the site to share your ideas, give back to the community, and get more visibility. The Biznik staff promotes well-written, useful articles to the front page of the site and sometimes includes them in emails to all members.
6. There are groups for special interests and forums for online discussions — all filled with relevant, useful conversations about small business and entrepreneurship.
7. The site is easy to navigate and use, with a pleasant design. It feels much less anonymous and bureaucratic than, say, LinkedIn. (I still like LinkedIn, I’m just pointing out some differences here.)

Basic membership in Biznik is free, plus there are two paid membership levels with additional privileges. I was so impressed that I went for the highest level — and I’m confident it will be a good investment.

If you’re a solopreneur or small business person, I encourage you to take Biznik for a spin. When you sign up, be sure to add me to your network and let me know you read my blog. I’ll then sponsor you for a free month of premium-level membership, if I have sponsorships available — I get 10 of them with my premium membership. (Smart marketing by Biznik, and a nice bonus for us.)

Click here to see my Biznik profile and sign up.

Related posts:

1. The #1 Mistake on LinkedIn (And What to Do Instead)
2. How a Contact Management System Nurtures Your Network

Yesterday, a friend of mine had their LinkedIn account suspended. No advance warning. No coherent explanation. No recourse besides filling out a “customer service” form. No idea when (or if) the account will be restored.

I googled a bit and discovered that this is not at all unusual. It looks like LinkedIn’s automated spam detection systems — which I’m sure are well-intentioned — cause problems for many an innocent user. (My friend is no spammer, just very active on LinkedIn. Isn’t that what it’s for?)

So here’s my warning …

The #1 mistake on LinkedIn is to rely on it

Whenever you use a web-based service controlled by someone else, you put yourself at their mercy. LinkedIn can suspend your account. Facebook can mess up your business page. Gmail can lose all your email. (All of these things have happened.)

These services are useful — some are extremely useful — but relying on them completely for any professional purpose is a serious mistake.

Here’s a way to prove it to yourself: Pick your favorite service — the one you rely on the most — and imagine what would happen if they blocked you, lost your data, changed their policies, or went out of business.

If what you imagined put a crimp in your business or your professional networking, it’s time to put yourself in the driver’s seat.

Set up a professional web presence that you control

All it takes is these three building blocks:

1. Your own domain name. (Obviously.)
   
2. A web site at your domain. Start with a simple one-pager, with information similar to what’s on your LinkedIn profile page. If you want to add more later, that’s fine, but it’s much more important to get that one page done.
3. Email at your domain. Not only does this look more professional than an address at gmail, hotmail, yahoo … wouldn’t it be nice never to change your email address again?

Once you have those essentials in place, I recommend adding an email list you can use to keep in regular touch with your professional network. This is one of the missing pieces for many people — consistent communication with their circle of influence. (Do not use your regular email client for this. More on that in the how-to kit that’s coming soon.)

If this sounds complicated and expensive, I have good news for you: It isn’t really. In fact, in just a few hours you can have it all set up.

And then you can use all those wonderful social media services to draw people to your home base, where you can interact with them the way you’d like to.

To help you get going on this, I’m putting together a free how-to kit that walks you through the process step-by-step. I’ll send it out soon to subscribers to my weekly update. So if you’d like to get in control of your web presence, take a second to sign up using the form at the top of the page.

Related posts:

1. Top 10 Ways to Make the Most of This Quiet Week
2. How a Contact Management System Nurtures Your Network
3. Why I Blocked My Own Access to Twitter

When we find ourselves in the midst of a career change or feel a dull sense that what we’re doing now isn’t what we should be doing forever, our friends and families — along with every mentor, advisor, and consultant — will smile knowingly, lean in tenderly, and pose this question: Tell me, what’s your passion?

The idea is that if we simply acknowledge what fires our soul, if we just pull out our metaphysical arthroscope and examine our hearts, the path will reveal itself.

So — with a voice that quavers in expectation and an inflection that italicises the final word — they ask us again, “What’s your passion?”

Ladies and gentlemen, I detest that question.

So do I. Well, maybe “detest” is too strong a word, but I do know there are much better questions to ask. (By the way, that means that not “every mentor, advisor, and consultant” asks the “passion” question.)

If I were working with you one-on-one, instead of asking you about abstract concepts like “passion,” I’d ask you to tell stories about your actual experiences. Questions like these …

• What have been your best experiences, the times you felt most energized and alive?
• Tell me what happened. What exactly were you doing? Who else was with you?
• What conditions made those high points possible?

Your best experiences hold the key to understanding what you’re about and where you might want to go next. (As a bonus, they also prove to you that you have had great experiences. Especially when you’re in transition, that can be all too easy to forget!) Staying connected to your experiences lets you build your next step on firm ground, instead of on fuzzy abstractions.

If you want more out of life, first catch yourself in the act of being alive.

Related posts:

1. Could You Turn Fear of Public Speaking Into Passion?
2. 7 New Year Wishes for My Friends in Nonprofits
3. Even More Reasons to Stop Trying to Scare People

Here’s the gist of the study’s conclusions (emphasis added):

Our results imply that because dire messaging regarding global warming is at odds with the strongly established cognition that the world is fair and stable, people may dismiss the factual content of messages that emphasize global warming’s dire consequences. But if the same messages are delivered coupled with a potential solution, the information can be communicated without creating a substantial threat to deeply held beliefs in a just world.

…

In addition, our results complement recent research showing that framing environmentalism as patriotic can successfully increase proenvironmental behavioral intentions in individuals most attached to the status quo … Taken together, these findings emphasize the importance of framing global-warming messages so that they do not contradict individuals’ deeply held beliefs.

Important and well worth a read. Images of disaster without hope are profoundly misdirected. Much psychological research — beyond the study mentioned above — tells us that frightening images trigger paralysis and fatalism. What’s more, they undermine the creativity, sense of personal power, and hope that are fundamental to effective action.

This reminds me of a collection of ads I came across a while back, sadly headlined as “best environmental ads.” When we use images like these, we’re actually undermining our cause by making it less likely that people will feel able to act.

Related posts:

1. 3 Reasons Not to Use Fear to Get People to Act
2. 5 Reasons Why I Want You To Make More Money
3. Why Can’t “Those People” See What I See?

(You can even get it in a PDF file suitable for printing — I think I’ll give that a go, it would be wonderful hanging on my wall. The artist is giving it away free, by the way. Isn’t it amazing how creative and generous people are?)

I stumbled across this gem while reading Rosetta Thurman’s fine blog, where she also wrote:

Leadership is not just what we do at work or in our communities when the spotlight is on us and the stakes are high. Leadership is what we do every day, from how we treat each other to the small actions we take to make good on our dreams.

Well, well. I’ve been thinking a lot about leadership lately — what it looks like at its best; how we can develop it in ourselves and others; what it looks like in business, nonprofits, public service. Sometimes the whole notion of “Leadership” with a capital “L” starts to feel a bit grandiose … even with a touch of “who do I think I am?”

And then someone like Rosetta brings it back within reach. We’re all leaders, even if we lead only ourselves.

Related posts:

1. Leadership Lessons From the Repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
2. Words of Leadership: 5 Lessons From President Obama’s Tucson Address

Open a tab, type in “twitter.com” … and before I know it, I’ve frittered away 20 minutes reading funny tweets, fuming about politics, and clicking on interesting (but mostly frivolous) links. Multiply that by a few (or several!) times a day and I’m into some serious time-wasting.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I find Twitter fascinating, sometimes even useful. But my work requires focus — big chunks of uninterrupted time for reading, thinking, writing. Every shift in attention is costly. Some say it takes at least 15 minutes to refocus after being distracted. I think it takes me at least that long to get back into what I was doing. And sometimes, I lose my train of thought altogether.

So I cut myself off, like a bartender who refuses to serve a customer who’s already had one too many.

I installed a Firefox plug-in (LeechBlock) and configured it to block twitter.com. Since Firefox is my default and preferred web browser, that means I now have to open Hootsuite (which I have set up as a stand-alone application using Prism) in order to see my Twitter account. In Hootsuite, I have things organized into lists and tabs, so I’m more likely to stay focused on executing my Twitter strategy … instead of swimming around randomly in the tweet stream.

That small step has done the trick. Now instead of those multiple “quick peeks,” I log into Hootsuite once a day, do my Twitter task list for a set amount of time, and log out. I may be slightly less “social,” but my mind is less cluttered and I’m way more productive.

Do you have a web site that’s draining your time? What’s your approach to managing it?

Related posts:

1. Top 10 Ways to Make the Most of This Quiet Week
2. The Simple Way to Strengthen Your Listening Skills

And I do mean study. Take the time to dissect what the speaker was doing. Dig into why they said what they did. Imagine yourself in the audience and feel how their words would have affected you.

We have a great chance to do this today with President Obama’s address to last night’s memorial service in Tucson — one of the outstanding speeches of his career so far (and that’s saying a lot). His words resonated deeply and widely, so it’s well worth listening to, reading, studying … and then applying what we learn to our own communications.

Here are five lessons I took away from studying the President’s speech this morning.

1. Show empathy and solidarity

People long to feel understood, so show them you understand what they’re going through, what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling. Then stand side-by-side with them.

I have come here tonight as an American who, like all Americans, kneels to pray with you today and will stand by you tomorrow. There is nothing I can say that will fill the sudden hole torn in your hearts. But know this: The hopes of a nation are here tonight. We mourn with you for the fallen. We join you in your grief.

2. Tell stories about people

We learn from (and remember) stories, especially stories about people’s lives. And this speech was filled with memorable ones. Here’s just one example …

Dorwan and Mavy Stoddard grew up in Tucson together — about 70 years ago. They moved apart and started their own respective families. But after both were widowed they found their way back here, to, as one of Mavy’s daughters put it, “be boyfriend and girlfriend again.” When they weren’t out on the road in their motor home, you could find them just up the road, helping folks in need at the Mountain Avenue Church of Christ. A retired construction worker, Dorwan spent his spare time fixing up the church along with his dog, Tux. His final act of selflessness was to dive on top of his wife, sacrificing his life for hers.

3. Use vivid, memorable details

If you listened to the address, I’m willing to bet this stuck with you (and maybe brought tears to your eyes) …

If there are rain puddles in Heaven, Christina is jumping in them today.

4. Point people to the best of who they can be

After last night’s speech, one of my friends said the President “is one of the few people who genuinely makes me want to be a better human being.” You can be one of those people, too, by reminding those around you of their best qualities.

Heroism is here, in the hearts of so many of our fellow citizens, all around us, just waiting to be summoned — as it was on Saturday morning.

…

Those who died here, those who saved life here — they help me believe. … And I believe that for all our imperfections, we are full of decency and goodness, and that the forces that divide us are not as strong as those that unite us.

5. Invite people to strive for more

After reminding people of who they are at their best — their innate heroism, decency, and goodness — the President urged them to reach for new heights.

I want our democracy to be as good as Christina imagined it. I want America to be as good as she imagined it. All of us -– we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children’s expectations.

…

And here on this Earth — here on this Earth, we place our hands over our hearts, and we commit ourselves as Americans to forging a country that is forever worthy of her gentle, happy spirit.

Watch the video of the President’s speech on whitehouse.gov. There’s a link to the transcript right below the video. If you take time to study it, as I hope you will, I’d be curious to know what lessons you glean from it. (I’m sure there are many more than these five.)

Related posts:

1. Leadership Lessons From the Repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
2. Why Tell Stories About Heroic Deeds?

Bill Badger, a 74-year-old retired colonel who’d just had a bullet graze his head, grabs the shooter and holds him down until police arrive. Despite her terror, Patricia Maisch, a 61-year-old businesswoman, snatches the gunman’s ammunition as he tries to reload and kneels on his ankles to help subdue him.

If you’ve paid attention to the news the past few days, you’ve heard these and other stories of heroic deeds by ordinary people in the face of terror.

One of the most important things we can do as change-makers is to tell stories that bring out the best in people and inspire them to take action. So I was intrigued by Rachel Maddow’s take on why we gravitate to these stories of heroism — and why they’re important to our evolution as human beings …

I think that we are wired to accept those stories and pass on those stories about heroes — about heroic acts — because we need to teach ourselves that kind of behavior. In an almost evolutionary sense, it’s a way for us to pass on and reinforce what is good and brave to do, even if our instincts might tell us not to do it.

That’s reason enough, but I see even more benefits to listening to and passing along stories like these.

1. To remind ourselves that people are courageous and generous. So much of what we hear is about the worst in people. Especially on the news, but also in daily conversations, we tend to talk about what’s wrong, who’s behaved badly, who’s to blame. It’s easy to slip into cynicism and distrust. When we point out people who are at their best, we interrupt that toxic conversation and give people reasons to admire, respect, and trust each other. (And if that’s not crucial to creating the kind of world we want, I don’t know what is.)
2. To show that even a troubling situation can be improved by action. With so much swirling around us, it sometimes feels like everything is out of our control. Many people question whether anything can be done to create a better future. Every time we tell a story of effective action, we reinforce the idea that taking action matters. We provide an antidote to passivity. We answer the question: “Why bother?”
3. To prove that one “ordinary” person can make a difference. Many people doubt their ability to do anything of consequence — and so they hesitate to act. Through stories, we can show them how other people, perhaps people who are like themselves in some ways, have found the resources within themselves to act.

I encourage you to find the stories of heroism that are relevant to your work — and learn to tell them — so you can inspire those around you.

In that vein, one final note: These stories intrigue because they are personal. The story is enriched when we know that the intern who ran towards the gunfire and tended to Rep. Giffords until the medics arrived was named Daniel Hernandez … and that he was 20 years old, gay, Hispanic, a certified nursing assistant, a college student majoring in political science. We want to hear his words, see his face, hear what others say about him, step into his world. The details matter, they make the people real and the story memorable.

P.S. You can see Rachel Maddow’s coverage of the events in Tucson here. Her Jan. 10, 2011, program was the most reasoned, fact-based reporting that I’ve seen.

Related posts:

1. Leadership Lessons From the Repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
2. Advice to Women Leaders from Sheryl Sandberg